Words matter
In Swahili, we have a saying that goes: Wacha waseme, usiku watalala [let them speak, at night they will sleep]. The same idea can be found in another English proverb: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. These proverbs empower the speaker to believe that they are immune to the sting of harsh or critical remarks.
While they are well-meaning, we know that words spoken in a callous manner hurt. Disagreements escalate when unkind words are said, and words can end the best of friendships. The bible is replete with verses that caution the reader against the use of careless speech.
The tongue has the power of life and death
[Proverbs 18:21]
A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge,
but the mouths of fools pour out folly.[Proverbs 15:1-2]
At a familial level, words shape a child's identity and reality. Research shows that the brain fully matures around the age of 25, meaning that a child may not have the cognitive ability to separate truth from lies. Children act like sponges, drinking deeply every word spoken to them by their caregivers. Children who grow up in environments where harsh words are often spoken, or affirmation is scarce grow up into adults who constantly seek external validation.
For some reading this blog, words may have been used to demean, label, and hurt you, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I grew up in a family that used labels frequently. I was almost always referred to as the talented one because of my love for music and poetry. One of my siblings was called the intelligent one [referring to her inclination to the sciences]. Another sibling was called the happy one [because she was cheerful, bubbly and nothing seemed to phase her].
These labels though seemingly innocent and positive, were unhelpful and limiting. They did not leave room for growth, change, or an individual's humanness. Human beings are so dynamic and layered. The expressions of their personhood can be limitless. For example, I have a friend who is multi-talented. He has a degree in mathematics yet chose to work in the creative industry as a musician and film director, and he is exemplary at his job.
I recently came across a poem by Mia Clarice that encapsulates my thoughts.
Don't call me a good girl,I'm so much more than that.I'm strong, kind, bold, and wise.Did you notice my creative ideas,How fast I can run, and how high I can jump?Did you see how I love nature and the way I care for animals?I have a big voice and a critical mind.I'm so much more than a good girl.
On the other hand, negative labels may have been used to describe behaviour that was incongruent with your family values. For instance, if someone was working through big emotions, labels such as emotional, sensitive, angry, or rude may have been used. So, instead of "you seem upset today", you suddenly became the "angry one".
This message may have caused you to believe that emotional states such as anger, frustration, deep sadness, and moodiness had no place in your family. If you were having a difficult time, you could not process it in a safe and accepting family space, so you started hiding yourself and people-pleasing.
The idea that someone's whole character can be summed up by one attribute or state of being is ludicrous. Human beings are so much more than their behaviours.
A label is a classifying phrase or name applied to a person or thing, especially one that is inaccurate or restrictive.
Research on labels began in the 1930s and is a growing body of work in Psychology.
Here are a few ways that labels in families can be unhealthy:
· They minimize and invalidate an individual's lived experience.
· They leave no room for growth or true personal expression.
· They cause children to people-please.
· They cause strife and unnecessary competition amongst siblings.
· They may lead to low self-esteem and mental illness.
· They shut down an individual.
We all have been labelled. But if these labels continue to have a marked influence on your life, you do not have to agree with these false identities anymore.
A few ways you can break through these limiting boxes is by realizing that:
· You are a dynamic human being. Your past reactions to situations and people can change depending on your growth, information, learning, healing of emotional wounds etc. God created you to be an expression of his glory. No one remains the same.
· Those who label you may not know how detrimental it is to your emotional wellness. In some situations, it may be best to have a conversation with them. If this is not feasible, you can choose to limit your interactions with the individual.
· Get to know your authentic self. What does God say about you? What are some positive truths about you? What do you love about yourself?
· Reparent yourself. Reparenting happens when we lovingly give our adult selves what our parents did not and could not give us as children. For example, speaking words of self-validation and affirmation.
· Surround yourself with loving, safe adults who allow you to show up as yourself.
We have also fallen into the trap of labelling others. Here are some ways we can break the cycle.
· Educate yourself- You may have learned how to label others from your caregivers. Now that you know that it is harmful, begin to interrupt the cycle whenever you find yourself doing it.
· Become self-aware. Ask yourself why you are quick to label others. Could it be that you do it because it is easier than getting to know someone deeply? When we ask people who they are, we can no longer view them from a skewed one-sided perspective. Could you be projecting your fears or judgements onto others?
· Be kind to others. When you notice negative traits in others, view them with the same mercy God sees you with. We all are a work in progress.
· Ask your close friends to hold you accountable.
· Be kind to yourself when you slip up.
In closing, let us remind ourselves what God has graciously done for us and how he truly sees us. He consistently calls us to the level of his potential in us.
26 Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him. 30 It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31 Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”
[1 Corinthians: 1: 26-31]
